This post is really truly and confession and realization for me of how deeply I have lived deceived in a very critical important part of my life. So for those who are looking for a Word first post, usually my heart, this one isn’t that. But probably one of the most radical life changing revelations I have had so far.

I am amazed at how much my comfort zone interferes with my confident trust in the Lord. I am also beginning to wonder how significant this scripture is to the state of marriage in North America today.

“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.” – James 3-13-17

I think the pieces of this puzzle are starting to make sense to me.   I am recognizing just how deeply I have  been living in a mind set of entitlement, selfishness, fear and control and envy to boot.   This is not in the least bit surprising considering the amount of training that went into developping these lovely characteristics.  The truth is I have been raised right from day one to compare myself and value myself based where i fit in the scale amongst others.   In my own marriage, I am beginning to wonder if all areas of discontent, disenchantment, disatisfaction etc can be linked back to these four things.   Envy loves to hide itself in the guise of comparison.   Unfortunately, this rears its ugly head in so many of my conversations with my hubby.   He unwittingly becomes the mark and is compared to the litany of books, movies, tv shows, people, self-help books etc that have bombarded my brain from a vary young age.   The media would have us all convinced that a man who isn’t hyper romantic is defective in some way.  The marriage and parenting books (I have really mostly read on christian ones and find them on par in this area), have set me up for false expectations and have painted lovely pictures of little things livk chore sharing, weekly dates, having a hubby who somehow gets the hormonal ins and outs of pregnancy and nursing.   Truly I have been brainwashed from so many different angles to be unhappy with things…   And I am only now waking up to how intentional all this actually is.  First, we have an enemy who has come to steal, kill and destroy….   but then we also live in a culture that literally functions and thrives only in a highly consumeristic market.   When the economy takes a downturn, we are encouraged by the media to keep going out and spending money so the economy doesn’t get worse.

Here is the bottom line… People who are truly content with what they have make for terrible consumers. Really, it is in no ones interest, humanly speaking, for us to be joyful, living gratefully for what we have and peaceful. All the things that the Lord wants for us. Yet again, the world and the Word are at odds… and silly me, I have been siding with the world for far too long.

I am making a new choice.   I am choosing to go against the world and be happy with what and who I have.   I want to look back and see the beauty that surrounded my life, the wonder, the provision and the mighty hand of my Creatoxszr.  I am going to accept my situations, husband, relationships etc as they are today, all those things that are not mine to change, as they are right now, with no expectation or need for them to change for God’s Word to be completely fulfilled in me.  I will press into my Lord in greater in measure so that HE can do that awesome incredible work in my heart and life to change me into His likeness in greater and greater measure, for His Kingdom, for his glory, for His purposes.

I am going to lay down all of the mindsets, captivities, habits, thoughts, words associated with entitlement, envy, selfishness, strife, fear and control to the best of my ability and with all of the help of the Lord to help me succeed and I am committing to doing everything to see this word of the Lord fulfilled.  Confession and   Praise God I will see my heart and home become more and more “pure, peaceable, gentle, yielding, full of mercy and good fruit without partiality and without hypocrisy”